..please just let me vent..

First of all..please no comments on this post..I already know the reaction from some of the people that will read this.

OK...so...this year has been an EXTREMELY hard one for me (and its not even over yet). And its been so hard for me to stay positive when SO many negatives happen, and happen one RIGHT after another. Many of the things that have happend to me you may not be aware of.

My love life: In the end of April, I found out that my husband cheated on me...who knows how many times..it started right before he proposed up until the day he got caught..the WHOLE time we were married. That alone is something that can really mess up someone..Yes, I know, It was MY decision to marry him. I shouldnt of married him..but at that time, I thought I was making the right decision. Early May he moved out of our house and into his parents house, and early June our divorce was finalized. Now, trust me..I TRIED to make it work with him, but you cant have a one way relationship and he was done "playing house" so divorce was the only option, and the RIGHT decision. Then the end of July I joined an LDS dating website and in mid August met this guy that I felt had stolen my heart..I had never clicked with someone so well and had such good conversation with someone. He lives in Wyoming and he came down to visit me for a weekend..and that weekend was so amazing. It felt like I had known this guy my whole life. Yes, he had a rocky past..but nobodys perfect and I couldnt hold his past mistakes against him, he was bettering his life and righting his wrongs. Then, he went back home with promises to return shortly...when he got home he was thinking about how well things went and how well we clicked and it really scared him (this is what he told me anyway) and things completely changed..he was a different person, talked to me differently..and he REALLY hurt me. I didnt get it. I actually prayed and fasted about him and felt good about him..I was so lost and confused. Well, after a few weeks of realizing that he wasnt the guy I thought he was, and he wasnt going to come back, I dusted myself off and went on a few dates..didnt really feel anything with those guys. ..Kept talking to a few guys from the LDS site..Then I met Brandon..he lived in Henderson. He is divorced, 29 and has two little kids. He completely caught me off gaurd. He wasnt the kind of guy that I was normally attracted to. We talked on the website for a little bit, then he asked for my # and we started texting and talking on the phone. Then we finally met...hit it off..aside from being really nervous and making a fool of myself in the first 30 seconds of meeting him...but things went great! He wanted to see me again..and I wanted to see him again! So we hung out pretty much everyday after. We did have a few rocky times..he put his foot in his mouth a few times..but overall he is an amazing guy. He wanted me to be his girlfriend but I held off, being very cautious for sake of my heart that is even now still recovering from my divorce. Finally, I agreed..things between he and I were good. I loved being with him. He stole my heart. We always had fun together. Then, because of past experiences, and a bit of jealousy, I asked for something unreasonable and not fair by any means. I only had half of the story and understood half of what was going on and because of that it made it look like he was lying to me, so I broke up with him...now after having time to think about everything, and seeing from a different perspective I see things clearer. Do I regret breaking up with him? Yes and no. Yes because he really is a good guy and I had so much fun with him despite some of the little stupid things that happend -I miss him-. No because if I hadnt broken up with him I wouldnt of seen things from a new perspective and realized how what I had asked of him wasnt fair, and I wouldnt of realized that I like him more than I thought I did. Will we get back together? I have no idea...that depends on so many things. ...It has been so hard for me to see so many of my friends that I grew up with who are so happily married. Or those of my friends that are in such loving relationships. And it is unbelievably hard to see some of my friends have children. I want so badly to be a mother, I know I will be one day..but before I found out about Nestor cheating on me, we had been planning on starting to try to have a baby. Its so hard not to think that if things were different that I could very well be pregnant right now. I want to be happily married to a man who can treat me like I deserve to be treated and love me as much as I love him...I know that will come in time, but its so hard when I THOUGHT that I already had that, but turned out that I had been deceived. So thats where I am with my love life...

My health: I have lost about 75lbs since the start of the Nelson Biggest Loser contest. Yes, super awesome, but I still have a ways to go! In October of 2008 I started having these SUPER SEVER stomach aches...far from a typical stomach ache. Im talkin, they put me on the floor curled up in a ball, cant move, can hardly breathe for HOURS. BY FAR THE WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT! On a scale of 1-10, 10 being about to black out from the pain, they are an 8.5...yes..seriously that bad. So bad every time I get them I contemplate calling 911. Well they went away for a while but have since come back and have been having them more frequently. I went to the Dr. yesterday to get help. But, he couldnt find out what was the problem from me describing it. He told me that in order to properly figure out what was going on, they would have to stick a camera down my throat and look at my stomach...well..I dont have insurance at the moment and theres NO way I can afford that...so that will have to wait. So until then its me praying that I dont have another one. On top of the stomach aches I have had so much stress this year it could kill a horse! I cant begin to tell you about the sleepless MONTHS I have had...There have been countless weeks where I would only get 6-8 hours of sleep the entire week. I, like my mother, dont handle stress well. It makes me sick. I cant sleep. And all of that stress has taken a serious toll on my body and mind. My mental health..not so good..unless you've been cheated on and lied to your entire marriage and go through a divorce you wont know just how bad it can f**k you up! I try, everyday, to be positive. I try to focus on the good. But when you have these feelings and thoughts that I do, that I TRY to ignore daily, it REALLY begins to weigh heavy on you. Im trying to be strong. Trying not to let it destroy me. BUT ITS HARD!

There are a few other things which have happend, that have effected me greatly, that have brought me to my darkest times, that I will not write about. Very, very few people know about them, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Friends and Family, especially Family..please forgive me for being so distant. I hope you can understand why I've been that way. I love being around my family but at times it hurts more that you can imagine to see my sibblings so happy with their familys...a spouse that is faithful and loving and children of their own...something I want so bad! And please, PLEASE forgive me if im having a bad day(which are quite prevalent these past 7ish months) and I say and unkind word or snap at you. I dont mean it. I love you. And I know at times your just trying to help. Please, im begging you, try to understand that I am not in a good state of mind and have an unbelievably shatterd heart. Im trying every day to get past all this negativity and be positive again. The way I act at times is unexcuseable, I know, and IM SORRY!

**I dont write one word of this for pitty, or attention..I actually would prefer the opposite, so please dont assume that. **

I KNOW that brighter days are ahead of me. I KNOW I will eventually be fine. I hope and pray these days come sooner than later.

Again, please no comments on this post. I just needed to vent and write out the things i've been through. Hopefully some of you can have a better understanding of why im the way I am right now.

Dear sister, I love you so much! I hate this! Im so sorry!